There aren’t many necessities that we human beings would die without.
Stories abound of how survivors who were lost or injured in the savage wilderness got by for days (and sometimes even weeks) on a small amount of water from a trickling stream or by carefully rationing the contents of small canteen.
Of course there’s also oxygen, protection from the elements, and a minimum amount of caloric food intake.
Psychologists and religious leaders will expound upon the notion that human beings — in the absence of love, caring, and affection — will keel over dead.
But all of these are insignificant, miniscule, even trivial, in relation to the lifeblood of mankind, the Nectar of the Gods — that’s right — chocolate.
Without chocolat, Schoki, chokolade, suklaa — whatever language you prefer — life has no meaning (or at least it’s pretty boring). In the pursuit of cacao confectionery bliss, wars have been fought, fortunes made and lost, new planets explored, and vast civilizations obliterated. (OK, that’s a little over the top, but you get the picture.)
As a boy, I always thought it was weird that men gave women chocolate as gifts — I was utterly convinced that little snot-nosed lads consumed chocolate in much greater quantities (and with much greater appreciation) than girls ever would.
Following Halloween, Easter, or Christmas candy hauls, my older sister, Kim, would hoard all of her booty under lock and key, and make it last seemingly for an eternity. Some of it might even go bad before she ate it (the outrage of it all). I just figured she didn’t like the stuff very much. Of course, my brother and I schemed and plotted to relieve her of as much of the “amber gold” as was humanly possible.
As I got older and wiser, I noticed all the ladies waiting in line at the See’s Candies counter to get their fix, and I learned a valuable lesson. Though men will often dispense with chocolate in favor of other, more manly vices, for many women, chocolate is a good as —or in many cases superior to — sex.
But I’m one of the few dudes secure enough in my masculinity to openly admit that chocolate makes my world go ‘round. A self-admitted chocoholic, it’s difficult for me to claw through a single day without even a morsel of my manna from heaven. Two days, a mass famine. Three days, Armegeddon — launch the nukes, game over.
On the Mish, one of my companions and I had a contest to see which of us could go longer without his vice nourishment of choice. For him, it was Coca-Cola, and for me it was that foil wrapped, made in West Germany (this was right before the Wall came down) milk chocolate goodness. We were half-way through baking a batch of chocolate chip cookies when he realized I had been sampling the dough—busted! I think we were at our two-day abstinence mark.
But truth be told, all chocolate is not created equal. Far from it, actually.
Swiss and German chocolatiers are the best. You can’t go wrong with Lindt, Toberlone, or Milka. Norway and Sweden do some nice stuff with their Freia and Marabou brands. A few British chocolate labels are worthy of mention, such as Cadbury, and France has some players too. Northern Europeans in particular love hazel nuts in their chocolate — a dream combination much better than almonds or peanuts.
But you’ve got to be careful with European imports — they like to put a nasty-tasting nut paste called marzipan in their chocolate and are have often been sitting on the shelf for way too long.
American chocolate, in large part, is highly inferior. Hershey is chalky on the palette, and most U.S. brands are so filled with nougat and other lousy fillers, there isn’t much actual chocolate to speak of any way. I can’t stomach the cheap brands at Wal-Mart and other grocers, like the much detested Palmer.
My personal indigenous favorites are Baby Ruth, Kit Kat, and Snickers. Up a level or two front the check-out counters at Albertsons, and based out of San Francisco, See’s Candies offers a classy blend of quality and value. It’s hard to beat their milk chocolate, caramel (and don't pronounce it "kara melle" or I'll slug you) and pecan clusters.
I don’t do white chocolate (it isn’t really chocolate) and I haven’t gotten advanced enough in years to where dark chocolate appeals to me.
Now, where was it I put my bag of Cadbury Mini Eggs?
